But, I don't have the body of a porn star, so nobody would hire me. Unless they're doing like a trip to the safari and they need an albino rhino
sorry about having a shotput competition with your microwave, seemed like a good idea at the time
dude, you cant keep using "she roofied me" as an excuse to bang all these fat chicks
I was the last girl at the bar last night. It was like a battle royale between 10 guys.
Oh and in case you were wondering it is not a good idea to eat weed brownies and then go out to the bar. When I got off the bar stool my high had just hit me and I felt like Bambi taking his first steps
so the photographer said "let's get a picture of the cousins" so we posed together, and then he said " lets get a picture of the couples" So we posed together.
Maybe before the beach I should get a tracking chip in my arm.
So I'm about to drive his drunk ass home and he spits on my car. Before I can say, "Dude, what the fuck?!", he puts his finger to my lips and goes "shhh, its in the past."
Ladies and gentlemen, the only person I know who would keg stand in pearls and a bow.
Tell him "come over but don't bring a flaccid dick"
Wear something tight
How do I cancel buying spotify premium for two homeless people?
If you saw or spoke to me yesterday can you message me. Trying to make a timeline of the day I was too drunk to remember
I don't care how hot she was. She didn't like Scooby Doo and I don't fuck with that.
I got drunk off three vodka cranberry’s and told him to “WWE raw dog me.” Fucking kill me.
She really wants to hug you. With her vagina.
Randomize
