And don't be too jealous. Drinking alone watching a chick flick and masturbating isn't nearly as glamorous as it sounds
My brother just put in eyedrops to talk to my mom on the phone
I can't believe I am actually paying for a night in a hotel for my parents so I can throw a party the night before Christmas Eve. I also can't believe they think it's their Christmas present.
I fucking give up. OKC is where small penises go to disappoint me.
She just pored wine down the turkeys hole and said that she christened it like the whore that it is...happy thanksgiving.
Before getting out of the car, she said "Thanks for getting me off." I like how polite she is.
He told me I was a good dog mom. I've never been so turned on in my life
I have 35 pounds of pennies. Need any?
This is why you have to watch more Zombie movies- to prepare for End Times...
Woke up at my x's house. He said I talked about how much I love panda's for fourty five minutes. Then made him watch The Little Mermaid with me. Made the walk of shame infront of his mom. Things can only really go up from here.
Wait till you get home.
Puked in my purse on my Uber ride home last night. Safe to say it's not a good idea to beer bong a whole bottle of wine.
I’m drunk and naked and looking for my charger - title of my autobiography.
My boss spotted an injured PIGEON outside the front door this morning (at 3:30am) and requested that I catch it and take it to the vet. Catch it with what! Take it where!These requests have gone too far...
I SHOULD BE TERRIFIED OF HIS DRAGON DICK.
Periods are much less exciting when you're not sexually active.
Randomize
