I'm at the doctor and the male nurse (haha) asked me if I smoked, drank or did drugs, and when he said 'drugs' he looked me right in the eye and did a perfect wrist rocket.
I'm so high I just tried to eat a hair tie thinking it was one of my pretzels.
So I'm at planned parenthood and there are 5 people here from Friday's party.
The bar I'm at just passed out smores to everyone. I don't know what it has to do with cinco de mayo but I'm down.
It's 10am. I'm hungover wearing a flyers jersey and a phillies hat and eating a cheesesteak. I'm not the only one. Best city ever.
I hope he doesn't find the chex mix when he takes my shirt off.
I knew it was different as soon as you told me you slept with him and didn't tell me about his dick
He told me that "my little fuckpig" was a term of endearment in Britain. I think I'm in love.
I just broke a sweat shaving my own vagina. Something has got to change.
I had a dream about a vibrator with 42 different settings. If that's not a good indication I need to get laid, I don't know what is
At Walgreens. I'm getting condoms and a bottle of water so that I'm not "just getting condoms". I don't think I'm fooling anyone though.
I don't WANT a sex disease! Especially one assigned to me by my supervisor..
Did I tell you that I told him I deleted his dick pics and he almost started crying?
You're lucky I'm holding your vagina in my best interests
I woke up with a jacket; in it passport, hockey tickets, sunglasses, credit card, bank transactions
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