I love hooters. This dumb bartender is saying how coffee dehydrates you so that's why she sometimes just eats the coffee grinds wake up.
I was in the bathroom throwing up...when I walked out he was sitting there watching porn and jacking off. He said, "Sounded like you were gonna be in there for a while."
I already apologized. And I got cum in my eye in return, I say your night beats mine...
triple team girl just facebook chatted me. do i tell her i had a nice time?
Jumped in the kebab van and said he was Ultimate MasterChef. Incurred wrath of six angry Turks. I got free chips.
You fell out of your barstool, I tried to help you but you said if I got any closer I'd be drinking my meals through a straw, So there you sat.
For Valentine's Day I've purchased six lighters and I'm decorating them for him. I'm on a full ride to an art school and this is what I'm using my talents for. An intervention is needed. Please stop letting me date stoners.
I just yelled at a bunch of girl scouts for yelling "cookies" to loudly. That hungover
I found a phone book at the party and started calling everyone with my last name asking if they wanted to form a club. I'm meeting one for brunch tomorrow...
I will always make you feel special and slightly offended. That's my job.
Some toppless girl just walked past me in the hall and gave me half a carton of smokes. I have never been more aroused.
Just when I decided to go get a taco and a blunt cake it starts raining. Coincidence? or divine intervention?
BRING KITTENS I AM A GENIUS
Just remember, the Browns have more wins than Ronda Rousey this year.
He was cute in a Sketchy-trying-to-sell-you-a-vaccum-at-9-at-night kinda way.
Randomize
