Well i threw up in my mouth a few times. But i successfully swallowed it. Still going strong.
I thought we agreed, no more super glueing action figures to my dick
he had his head down and said he was listening for the buffalo, he had to still be drunk.
You kept asking who was the good cop and who was the bad cop, you said you only wanted to talk to the good one
Just woke up with 34 slim-jims in my pocket. Too afraid to check the others.
She told me I should be a condom model.
Awkward family moment #1: walked in on my 15 yr old nephew packing a bowl. Nephew says- "lets not ruin christmas and keep this our little secret"
This must be what defeat feels like to Tom Brady today. I bet he wishes he could barf up all of his bad decisions from yesterday, too.
found out that hot proper business chick in my class A) did a bar crawl last 2 night and still showed up to class and B) is 19 and C) so not as proper as I thought D) is single. How the fuck does that work? Freaking superwoman.
I was wasted and the time changed. I blame the male strippers.
It says a lot about the way my life is going right now that 'there's no shit in your house' is fucking good news.
He found his first fuckbuddy I'm so proud I feel like making him a card or something
My car insurance payment showed up today, so no inflatable hot tub for now. Sorry to disappoint.
I kid you not. He let me in into his house, showed me the putt putt in his backyard. Offered to play me.
Things change once you put a ring on it. 5 years ago if I had morning wood she would have gone nympho on that. Now I am just lucky if she touches it rolling when we sleep.
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