I'm upset that MJ died and all but waking up to his face on my HDTV in the middle of the night while half-asleep is pretty much the scariest fucking thing ever.
As long as you don't die I'm in full support of your drinking decisions
At one point in time, he cried and said I didn't appreciate him.
I feel like everything I touch in this bar I'm gonna get hepatitis. my kinda joint
Sun* burn. But that sounds like wait.. Midsentence thought... It would be like swimming in a giant bowl of cereal.. Only I would be cereal. This is brilliant.
I can motorboat myself in this new push-up bra. I need to go out tonight.
I'm watching my cat lick a used condom wrapper on my nightstand and I'm too hungover to move and do anything about it. Tequila Tuesdays can not be a thing.
I don't believe in coincidence. I believe in the stars aligning perfectly to sodomise me in public. Who ever said I was cynical?
We had sex in the morning in pregnant lady position. Like fuck me like the hott piece of ass that I am, not your wife of 7 years.
Help everyone's hot
Men are hot women are hot non-binary people are hot aliens are hot
I woke up this morning with a text from my mom as to why the hell random people were showing up at the house. Turns out nobody came to our house party because I gave them my old address, fuck pre-partying for real
Is it too soon for me to wonder what sex with him would be like?
Drunk is a universal language darling
I came twice and when I was done I petted his head and said "you did good kid you did good" and just laid back smiling. Tell me I'm not awesome.
By the time we got to McDonald's you were sharing a Big Mac with a stripper.
Randomize
