On Saturday, I sharted on my roommates dog while trying to make it smell my farts. Today I got security clearance to work for one of the most respected and secretive govt agencies in the US
It's the American dream
I've been reduced to Capt. Morgan and Golden Girls reruns. Ugh.
Someone should tell Glenda that I only hang with her because she makes me look prettier.
the semester isnt officially over until i take the batteries out of my calculator and put them back into my vibrator
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Chick took off her bra in the middle of class cuz it was "too hot." How's going out of state feel now?
saw a man tazing a raccoon in the middle of the street last night... normal
why does my status of facebook already read REHAB 2011
This girl caught me staring at the cat but stroking the computer because it was closer, which is why I hate blunts.
More or less binge drinking as a giant grape seemed justified
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Trick or treaters just rang our doorbell
Give them the moldy beer cans, we need to get rid of those
I'm glad that even though we are states apart our whorish hearts beat as one
I woke up with Pop Rocks stuck to my ass
she fell asleep in a torn bush after playing cards at a nursing home.
I'm currently trying to figure out a way to fill the bathtub up with mashed potatoes so when he comes over he'll know what's about to hit him..
It's OK, I woke up in a drag queen's bed last weekend. It took me forever to get the glitter out of my cleavage.
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