I wannas sexs uuuuu
mom and grandma are in town. grandma wants to get drunk with you
my roommate just caught me washing a dildo in the sink.
you started whispering 'the itsy bitsy spider' while you were putting your hands up my shorts.
What time do you think the pilgrims started drinking? I want to be as accurate as possible.
Hey for future reference vodka can not be substituted for water when shaving your legs
All I could think about when I saw her was that she could be the mother of my future first round draft picks
We've gotten 3 pitchers already by trading for CUPCAKES
Brownies hit. And just found beer. And the bill cosby show is on. And its in spanish.
Where are you on a scale from one to wasted?
Like alphabetically I'd say a v
Worst. Date. Ever. He peeled a layer of bread off his mini burger buns because they had "too many carbs".
Walking into my bedroom & smelling stale sex & disappointment isn't how I envisioned being 39, in case you were wondering.
WHY THE FUCK DID I HAVE TO FALL IN LOVE WITH A CONVICT
idk what happened last night but i just wokeup with nothing on but a necklace...what is this, the fucking titanic?
You know you're more responsible when you turn down your bed and make a clear path to it before you go out..
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