this girl just gave me her phone number and 5 mins later right in front of me she is giving her number to another dude
call her and ask her what she thinks she's doing
i need to find a birthday card for her that tells her how happy i am that i can now legally bang her
i officially have more pictures of his dick than pictures of us together
I've taken to hiding pictures of us around his room so that he'll forever feel guilty for dumping me on Valentine's Day... And to potentially cock block any hook ups.
Hes stumbling drunkenly around the streets of New York with a balloon vagina on his head. I'd say hes having a good night.
If i had 4 hands right now is have booze in 3 of them and my cock in the other all because you went to denver. just sayin.
Responsibility: Hiding your beer when your DWI clients who are out on bond come to talk to you at bars.
You then proceeded to tell me how good of a cook you were and put raw cookie dough in the champagne.
Took out half a tooth with a handle of jim beam last night. Apparently I can't walk and chug bourbon at the same time
I've never danced to a Michael Jackson song in a bar and left alone bro. Something in girls loves a guy who dances to mj
As if right now I am a humanitarian. Full story to come in the morning. It involves sex.
I think my boss gives me work off weekends because he doesn't want me showing up hungover anymore..
She shows up drunk at 3am for sex and then punches me straight in the eye in the middle of it because "you're too nice."
I spilled a whole plate of queso and salsa on my bed so I'm just eating it off my sheets with chips. How's your night going?
He literally shoved the EMT, climbed in the back of the ambulance with his vodka and was like, "C'mon, people. Wrap this up. I got shit to do."
Randomize
