I asked what she wanted from Hawaii. She said a baby like Aaden from JK 8.
where am I supposed to find one of those?
you threw up out the window, wiped your face with a twenty dollar bill, and threw that out the window too.
did we at least go back and get it?
how else do you think we got jack in the box...?
you can add "aspirated seaman" to the list of things your sister has been admitted to the hospital for
4 am. She strained the mac and cheese onto her legs. She has no skin.
So that'd what fifty dollars of chicken at 7/11 looks like. Made it to work on time. Puked twice. BOOM.
Moment of the day: as we leave the restaurant, she reaches into my pocket, pulls out her panties, and angrily marches to her car. I felt like a sketchy magician.
The pool of urine in the trash can signifies both a regretful yet successful night.
I am the only person I know ever to have been brought TO the bar in the back of a cop a car. Twice.
Last night at the bar you we're seriously going up to people and pushing through them like they were bowling pins and you were a bowling ball
You tried to wave to Meg on Family Guy and got upset because she wasn't waving back
Wow two curved penises in one weekend. I feel like this may be good luck. Like finding a four leaf clover
I dunno what's worse, that one guy here said he'd blow somebody for Tim Horton's right now, or that someone else looks like they want to test his sincerity.
Come get me, I'm fucking scared.
I hummed the theme from jaws while she was taking the pregnancy test....needless to say she was not pleased
if having to see my ex’s dick once in a while is the price I pay to the universe for making my life go a little smoother, I’ll take it
so we have roughly decided that hes the dude all the chicks will bang in college, just so he will do their term papers
Randomize
