me texting you is like we have secret walkie talkies.
can't wait for January to be Over so I don't have to see all the fat resolutionists working out.
Don't try to dry clothes in the microwave. They'll catch on fire.
All I remember is him trying to go down on me, but I guess I was too busy making out with his brother
just made one giant jello shot... if i have to study on a saturday night, i'm gonna do it as drunk as possible
raced the clock twice to day to see if i could get off before my computer died and before i left for my noon bar crawl... win, win
lets go back to having secrets in our friendship
Curled up in the fetal position, trying not to throw up or think about my future, and humming songs from musicals to myself. You?
I am going to ride along with a cop tonight so please don't get arrested because that would be super awkward for me.
I'm out of town so we should be golden.
There two guys dressed as FEMA workers with jump-suits that say "Post-Disaster Breast Examination Division"
She just broke into my apartment while I was asleep, woke me up and drunkenly tried to seduce me for about 2 minutes, then passed out..
I had to sit there with his three fat aunts talking about a bunch of 50 Shades knockoff books.
I felt like a taxi, but my meter was running up minutes he would be eating me out that night.
In that case, if you come anywhere near my house you can expect to be chased down various streets by a half naked me wielding a baseball bat. No, I am not giving you my address.
Why so serious bruh
the most terrified I've ever been was seeing Danny Devito squirming on the ground in this underwear, covered in hand sanitizer, completely hairless
I wanna eat mushrooms and cuddle with a million dogs at once. I wanna know what heaven is like
is it still the walk of shame if his dad gave me a 'thanks for sleeping with my son' head nod on my way out this morning?
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