i wish i could watch tv and lissten to music at the same time...but still understand both
i think otters can do that
Get condoms and clear your schedule for the night. I'm bringing chinese food!
Dating my ex's drug dealer.. best. revenge. ever.
Used tampon in my purse. That from you?
you know it's the perfect hook up when you don't have any friends in common with his girlfriend on facebook.
After throwing up, the toothpaste tasted so good. Thank you for not letting me eat it.
I'll wind up on his doorstep with a confused "oh you live here" expression, a feigned ankle injury and a seemingly fortunately placed bottle of tequila. I don't care what it takes: HIS MOUTH WILL BE ON MOUTH.
Every shot buddy I have I end up blowing. I don't know whether this pattern is good or bad.
Fuck Sunday funday. Fuck real pants. Fuck the sun. Fuck Jameson. Fuck my life. Yes, I am hungover as shit sitting in my office eating bacon.
You rubbed your penis on my leg and said "people have paid for this kind of action"
i can't believe i'm giving you sex advice.
i've gotten sex advice under stranger situations. like while giving a blowjob behind the communications building.
Also, my phone suggested the phrase “puke in the mailbox" how many times have I had the need to text that to people?
So you drank bourbon with cough syrup?
I still had a cough. It only makes sense
oh, i solved that problem. i told him i wanted to steal my roommate's nephew. radio silence. haven't heard from him since.
after we got done having sex, you rolled over and ask what your yelp review was. So yea I'm kinda mad.
Randomize
