wrigley field is MILF paradise
the stripper made me go home becuz she had to take her kid to a birthday party in the morning
I woke up wearing no shirt sleeping next to a half-eaten grilled cheese.
Well did you call the grilled cheese yet? Or r u waiting the usual 3 days?
this is something i pride myself on being below average for
I hope my sperm were as drunk as I was.
Tonight will be judged a success if I walk out without having thrown up on my shirt.
It's annoying. I only date people who are 6 foot 3, drug dealers, or 2 years older than me.
He passed out naked in my bathroom, then took a shower, then passed out again and then took another shower. Last time I let my brother visit.
That was like me applying to a law school drunk at 5 am
Hahaha. That's funny.
But I got an 18k dollar per year scholarship
We got Pizza Hut & Papa Johns, delivered within seconds of each other, and both delivery people did a shot. I was put on Earth for this moment.
NATIONAL GIVE A BOSTON COP A BLOW JOB BITCH ROAD TRIP NOW
all his sexual metaphors involve condiments, should I worry?
Why does your place smell like gin and misery?
I prefer to think of it as 'ode to single life'
So I forgot to ask, how was that bartender you slept with two weeks ago?
Google chlamydia.
I think the cats may be lesbians. It could just be a two hour mutual bath but it sure looks like a 69.
Randomize
