I'm so fucking centered right now
The fact you even thought licking it would fix it boggles my mind
Well it worked
Not the point
This needs to stop. I just vacuumed the wall. Adderall is a double edged sword.
I hid a girl's boot last night so I could ransom it back this morning via the "blowjobs for boots" program.
I had a dream about a turtle sitting on top of a horse skull. I'm certain its a symbol for my dead sex life. Trust me.
Wish i knew who the f is sending me pics of asian newborns.
I believe some people would call last night an orgy.
I can't wait for the day Google doesn't remind me that I got arrested for having 3 shots called 'frog cum' lined up in front of me.
No, it's cool, I just bounced from the hospital. I was...talking to a security guard, maybe?
Know anything about my roof collapsing last night?
Tequila.
You invented a drink at the bar and named it Boner Soup. It was like an even trashier version of a long island iced tea
He tried to buy me a drink at dollar beer night. All 3 of his credit cards were declined, so he asked me if I could cover it. Needless to say, I'm not calling him back.
Totally just made a post sex emergency cupcake run. My life is awesome.
That's just how I roll. I drink, then tell people I'm either not wearing underwear or I'm training to be a stripper.
shots, cocks, socks. bingo
Randomize
