she said she's never had and orgasm AND she's a cubs fan...ouch.
Worst ten minutes of my life, it's was like trying to put a marshmallow in a piggy bank....
and being hungover still at 4 in the afternoon is NOT "having allergies"
get over here soon, theyre throwing bbeers at us from the roof. keyword : throwing
I think I threw my underwear away at What-A-Burger last night.
I'm pretty sure every guy I've been with this weekend has made a solid attempt at getting me pregnant...
I think I'm going to go into my next therapy session with hot client with my fly down and when he tells me about it I'm going to say "how did that happen?!" and then porn music will start to play.
Deciding whether to take my sex toys home for Christmas will be the biggest decision I make this holiday season
Blood everywhere...karaoke was nice
Welp, just took a tab of acid and cracked one of three bottles of champagne... Mondays ¯\\_(ツ)_/¯
tbh I think I just dated him for his dogs in the first place.
It's just a friend who is recently single and I'm going to heal his broken heart with my vagina
So this morning when I woke up. I found my refrigerator open and no more food. It was empty, I'm home alone for the week. Where in hell did that food go?
Whoever thought of breakup sex is my new best friend
Let me call you later. I’m lining up some office dick now that working at home is ending
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