im about as happy as oj after his trial
he refused to get me toilet paper before we started drinking so I keep wiping with his towel.
are you excited because you wanna see me or because you wanna get laid?
bc i get to see you. naked.
just threw all of the fireworks into the bonfire. thats why there are firetrucks.
She started crying. I don't think she's gotten head from a sax player before.
I picked the lock on the bathroom door and sang him a song while he pooped. Why is he mad?
Yeah. I realized I have a weakness for drugs and I need to move somewhere where I don't know how to find them.
I was to tired to jerk him off, so he made me hold it while he thrusted into my hand.
I'll never be able to have sex on these sheets. I'd have to cover up the eyes of every single Elmo.
Hide in the closet. if you hear me yell patato salad come out swinging.
Making drunken Mac n cheese at 3 am I understand why witches constantly stir their cauldrons. Much more homogenized temperature and slim chance of boiling over. Good job witches.
I wish they would just make alcoholic protein shakes already.
If I had feelings, you would have hurt them.
Well, I can't remember Thursday and my left ass cheek hurts like hell, I'm guessing Mike's bachelor party was a success.
He and I didn't so much date, as watch cartoons and go down on each other.
Randomize
