Update, blind date is cute and fun.
Scratch that, blind date just threw up.
Tip #47, don't trim the bush when you have the shakes!
I just imagined your drunkass eating Taco Bell in my living room. This is the Godmother of my potential child.
Watching water boil has never been so amazing. I love wake-and-bakes.
Woke up to a huge puddle of water in the living room floor, apparently I made an indoor snowman.
pretty sure if my vagina had a mouth, it would have been smiling afterwards.
After we fucked he shhhh'd me and said your welcome
it was really awkward meeting your mom for the first time while i was still wearing the condom we were using.
feelin groggy baby? need a coffee? vitamins? a nice good fuck on the piano?
I really have to stop having sex with people I sell drugs to...it feels unprofessional
I will rip it off your body in ways are socially offensive but you still kind of like.
She's like the King Midas of sexual confusion. Everything she touches turns to gay.
IT'S A GIANT FUCKING ROBOT, DUDE. LOGIC IS OUT OF THE QUESTION BECAUSE AWESOME.
That was the best shit ever it was like an exorcism for my colon
if you and your penis don't hurry up, I'm getting drunk without you.
Randomize
