He gave his mom his old phone, and I am SO paranoid
Did you send adult things?
Um. Yes would be the understatement of the year
i was having this nice romantic moment with my girlfriend. then jimmy came in and peed on the fridge
the reason why you were crawling on your hands and knees from room to room last night was because you thought the ceiling fans were chasing you...
that makes sense.
Reason #84 I'm on my way to becoming a crazy cat lady: I called the police last night because I heard a noise and the cats were acting funny like they were trying to tell me something. The 3rd time the dispatcher repeated "the cats are acting funny?" I yelled and told her to have an officer ask the cats what happened.
She asked how far humans have gone into a volcano because they did in spy kids. She was serious.
He has a tattoo of a carebear. This is not happening.
I'll pull you in a wagon. You'll have a sash and a crown on and we'll sing "All the Single Ladies"
Just headbutted a photographer. This convention just got really interesting.
Just saw a midget on a motorcycle. Best sight for a hangover ever.
how do you not remember that?! you winked at the bouncer and then proceeded to grind on him while chugging a beer. i don't know if i should be proud or embarrassed to be your friend
Well, when you bump into your parents at a swingers meetup, it's time to change cities
so we were doing it and I was like umm hi im losing my virginity can you take off your beanie
Is it weird that the best sex I've ever had was to Barbara Streisand's Christmas album?
Update: He still has devil magic genitals.
I woke up, topless, my car was parked funny so I threw on my hoodieto go fix it and found a jello shot in my pocket. where did I go last night?!
Randomize
