We got bored. So we went to planned parenthood to stare at everyone who made worse decisions than us last night.
First time i ever had an awkward silence during sex.
My main thought on the Olympics: I need LESS cowbell.
you made me have a moment of silence for the half of a sub sandwich that you dropped on the floor earlier
got so drunk i was kicked out of my own birthday party and tried taking a bottle of vodka with me
For the record it's 1026 and you told me I could leave you in the bathroom.
I just saw her take the entire bowl of lime wedges from the bar and pour them all in her purse, and now using the empty bowl as a hat. Waiting for security to come and throw her ass out.
Ok- my dad's ex-wife's Irish nephew. Weird if we fuck or not?
Every girl my sister has brought home from college I've had sex with, check and mate motherfucker
It gave me the St Patrick's Day nickname Slutty McShitfaced. I've never felt so understood.
Did you put Dave Matthews band on the playlist? It's really hard to funnel when "Crash Into Me" kicks in.
I just gargled with NyQuil
Its 9 am & i've been cleaning for 6 hours now with occasional crying bursts and two cocktails. Adulting 101.
I threw up in the middle of a bar last night and still managed to get laid! Happy thanksgiving!
The neighbors in the apartment above us are at it again. The roleplay this time is cop and prostitute. I give it 30 minutes, you? Already sounds better than the last one
Randomize
