Spraying perfume on pants makes them clean right?
is it bad that i think of my life in terms of the sims? like when i'm hitting it off with someone, i really wish a plus sign would appear above my head. and when i throw up from drinking way too much, a minus sign.
I don't even know how sober sex starts anymore
So you know that marine I slept with, well his girlfriend just told me I was pretty, I almost feel bad for sleeping with him now...
Dont! You were just serving you country
I'm lonelier than Tom Hanks in Cast Away, right meow. Ready to make this bong my Wilson.
Grilled cheese and whiskey for lunch is why i should NEVER be a housewife.
Also, we accidentally donated a bong to goodwill
I think having a vagina should be considered a skill, give me a break.
So you've been sexting me while spending time with your family
I'm a family man but I have priorities
Not sure if buying Twisted Teas for the alcoholics posted up outside the gas station counts as paying it forward but I am optimistic.
He had a clap on lamp. So every time he was ramming into me, the lights kept turning on and off
I do not love him. There is no love. Only sex and meatloaf.
There are some people who should not be trusted with a cell phone while drunk. You know your one of them when you call the cops on your own party.
Spencer just told me I got home and was opening beers with my teeth and trying to make pot butter
It's his. I know, I'm pregnant with a genetic douche bag but at least he'll be pretty!
Randomize
