pretend to be my girlfriend and sign me up for tool academy
We made a bong out of a plastic football. I can honestly say we make a good team.
There was a stripper pole on the party bus. Was being past tense because some fat chick somehow tore it from the ceiling while grinding
Just used my boobs as a ramp to guide ramen into my mouth.
Her facebook status said "just got a sign from god". I texted her and apparently she found a slice of pizza in the shower.
You almost married that.
I hat to flip my "days since last bad decision" chart back to zero. So...yeah. Sigh.
If I learned anything from that one time I saw the last 10 minutes of oprah when they talked about the secret, it is that you project what you receive back. I also have wine.
new dating motto: let your guard down, not your panties
MEG JUST LICKED A DRAIN PIPE. DAVE PUNCHED MATT IN THE THROAT. ALL BOUNDARIES ARE DOWN. I REPEAT. ALL BOUNDARIES ARE DOWN.
I have 13 missed calls from when I slept outside on some rocks
I suggest both. Please have sex with them and prepare notes for a final comparison.
ED guy's penis finally worked last night. It was a Festivus miracle!
Did I tell you about my dream that I got handed a $100 and my vagina dissolved it? I think it wants me to not be a whore anymore.
You were lost on foot. Texted us and told us that N*Sync couldn't save you, and then you "met Jesus" in your car.
i am also 80% sure that my shirt glows in the dark.
Randomize
