she was so ugly that the sight of her made me shiver and then i had to play it off like a draft blew by that only i felt.
Good ideas don't start with we have a bottle of vodka..
i woke up to him dangling his cock in front of my face
the only human I can compare her to is rosie o'donnell.
He kept surfacing with a delighted look on his face, guessing different types of food to try to figure out what makes my pussy taste so good.
You were in your third change of clothes, and I found you in my driveway passed out with my dog's food bowl. You win.
I said we should get a taxi and you were waving down cars, three of which were cops and one of them slowed down and shook his head then kept driving
He didn't think we needed a taxi
Seriously, even though I keep it clean, I could douse it in bleach and set it on fire and still not be comfortable with you actually holding it. It's been in my VAGINA.
If you loved me you'd bring cheese fries and a condom
Really stoned me is having a very serious, intent conversation with my mom about egg rolls and koolaid flavors.
Saw a dude last night at a strip club's bar eating canned pineapple and giving tootsie pops to the girls...
If I'm not drunk and wearing a penguin hat by the time we are done opening Christmas presents then coming home for Christmas was a complete failure
I did my patriotic duty. I woke up next to a veteran this morning.
I'm deleting Tinder. I got there he rubbed my back and then proceeded to jerk off on me.
so you can go out and drink with me then fuck me, or you can come over when i get home and fuck me, or you can come over before and fuck me, or you can come over before and after and fuck me... so many fucking options
Randomize
