And then he asked me why the subtitles were in Arabic. The television was off.
Well we were just driving down the street, there was a realtor and a couple walking up the porch of a house for sale, mark sticks his head out, opens his mouth to say something, pukes all down the side of the car, pauses, and yells "THIS IS A PHENOMAL NEIGHBORHOOD YOURE GONNA LOVE IT"
I mean, there was frosting being put on a tunafish sandwich. Pretty sure she knew we were high.
Yeah, the furnace guy just pulled out 4 empty and 1 full beer bottle from the vent. You are no longer allowed over.
Okay, good. And if you have one of those portable strip poles that would be nice too.
Jesus once told his disciples that its better to hang out with your best friend than give some douche bag a bj.
We can add pilot to the list of people who's lives I've changed...with my penis.
There is a large scratch and bruise about the size of a pizza bagel next to my vagina. Please text back if you know what happened.
My vday gift was a joint bouquet, Finding Nemo on bluray, and a good shower fuck.
Um, WHAT A FUCKING KEEPER!
I cut myself stripping on your car. Probably a profession I shouldn't pursue
GOOD NEWS I CAN BRING THE VODKA IN MY LUGGAGE
I accused him of not drinking enough alcohol and eating tacos after midnight. I was sober and he's not a gremlin. I would say bad.
Matched with the lumberjack. Here's your wedding invite.
No idea but I'm preparing for 4 tequila shots and tons of vomit
I'm eating cold pizza from work and drinking beer from a wine glass trying to decide if I want to shower or just rub one out and go to sleep. How have I ever gotten laid?
Because you're really hot before taking the time to actually get to know you.
Randomize
