Dude! wtf happend last nite? I woke up with 2 black eyes and a head ache
You stepped off the curb and face planted the road...twice
Why didnt you hold me up....and why a second time?
I helped you up but figured it was wayy funnier to watch you fall again then lose my buzz....
Mango Malibu should win a nobel peace prize
I'M GETTING MARRIED!
YOU'RE STILL MARRIED!
so i think im going to actually use my calories on food today instead of beer.
morning after pill = breakfast in bed
I had to physically hold you down to stop you from going out the window naked. You put up quit the struggle.
you are not perverted enough for this relationship to work out.
We don't have a lot of plans besides weed and cake
I'm going to make an art book filled with pics of me peeing in every bar bathroom I've ever been in. Dedicating it to you. You're welcome.
What's a quick way to get over an ex-boyfriend? To hear about how he threw up in a cup and then drank it. That's how.
wow thanks for pushing me towards an older man
you gotta start somewhere if you're going to be a trophy wife
did you just send me my own nude
I'm not going out, it's sweat pants and gallon vodka night at my place and I'm the only one on the guest list.
This is because you lost at fooseball isn't it?
Look, I am sorry I shaved your cat...but get over it.
At least they took the pillow of my bed before they had sex. My friends are so polite.
Randomize
