Every time there's an awkward silence a gay baby is born
You are an awful beat friend I am goin to die in a car accident and then my corpse is going to be used by criminals ala weekend at bernies to rob a bank then my corpse will go to jail Thanks john Thanks for nuthin
The walls in my apartment are so thin that sometimes when I fart, I stop to listen if people are laughing next door.
we were pretty classy up until the second keg
I knew her barely 30 minutes before we got naked. This whole fraternity thing is starting to grow on me...
the bartender cut you off himself after you started walking on tops of tables and hugging random people
When I was hooking up with this guy last night all I could think about was if we were in Game of Thrones... I need to stop doing drugs
But I got head on a boat yesterday which was sweet until a bald eagle flew over. Then it became life affirming.
Oh my god, it's like someone broke the off button in my butthole
I smoked my last bong as the sun rose. It was magical.
We probably are going to die. So. Thanks for agreeing to be my Maid of Honor even though I torture you.
Why can't you just be normal and get dick pics from your exes like everyone else?
it wasnt that bad
you tried to climb into my fireplace while screaming TO DIAGON ALLEY! we didnt even watch harry potter. it was bad
Just so you know, you called at 2 last night and kept making me tell you that I loved you and then when you got home you thanked me for walking you home. Incase you forgot, I'm still about 200 miles away.
I just found my phone after looking for it since yesterday afternoon it was in the fridge.
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