I crashed her parents' car cause she was giving me road head. Its probably best to just let them think I'm a bad driver.
That bad?
Full length cargo pants, running shoes, and a partial unibrow. Alcohol really is blinding.
The nursing school interview showed me a picture of my passed out during your party. They asked if this was a frquent thing. I told them you drugged me.
Apple should advertise that their phones are puke-proof. They would appeal to a whole new audience.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I was woken up at 4am by a stranger shaking my foot who said I looked like I needed a cigarette.
Glow parties are what I live for
Your priorities in life astound me
Unless you're gonna start buying my underwear, you have got to stop ripping it off of me.
I think I just got judged by the pizza guy. dude, you deliver fucking pizza. you need rethink YOUR life.
Thank you for helping a fellow gay friend today. You are sublime and deserve free tickets to the Ellen show
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
There's just something so liberating about drinking a beer with no pants on
Sorry I didn't call this morning. Ended up with a decorated war veteran last night who besides finding the enemy, KNEW where the fuck my G spot was. He gets a medal in my book!
It's not even noon and I've had 3 people call me a savage, one of them said it in reference to the blow job I gave them. So I guess you could say it's going to be a good weekend
he kissed both of us goodnight when we dropped him off...I didn't know if I was more offended or impressed
You know the bunny onesie you sent me? Happy Halloween, I just did the hop of shame.
She asked what the dent on the hood of my car was from..i think she knows we had sex up there
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