Omg. Never. Take a laxative the day you are going on. A date.
Yeah, I tried playing the "see how long he can stay inside of me" game.. And I lost.
If you're ever in Seattle we should Fuck. Or get coffee, whatever.
I'm having a chugging contest on the streetcar. The driver is judging.
Plus someone just passed me a joint through the window. BEST STREETCAR RIDE EVER
My phone really needs to stop auto correcting "library" to "ovary".
Chicken strips. I got my nose broken because of Chicken strips.
Also you know what's worse than drunk texting? Drunk leaving soup on your hot neighbor's porch.
When you see a guy in a wheelchair try to be cool and pop a wheelie, and then fall over backward and hit his head, is it funny or sad?
Dude. You stood in a corner laughing your ass off while folding clothes, facing the wall. Yes, they were weed brownies..
New drunken fun fact of last night, after I pushed Sarah and before I started making out with guy #1, I shouted that I'd go to third base on a first date, then threw myself at him
A girl just invited me over for a blowjob and beer. Is this a trap?
I found a Trump-humping republican virgin born on the goddamn Fourth of July. I NEED to hate-fuck him.
I think I must have activated my bat signal.... All three of my FWBs contacted me today!
Tell him to put up or shut up. Can't be dangling dick in front of ho's without delivering.
It's just disrespectful
I’m going to give his broken heart CPR with my vagina
Randomize
