i wish my penis had a tongue
i just ate two sandwiches and am debating booty calling my landlord
You never did explain why you were in wal-mart with a wok full of popcorn.
in the middle of giving him head in the backseat of my car he taps me on the shoulder, opens the door, throws up three times and then proceeds to tell me how amazing i am.
No, no, we have to calibrate. What is the maximum amount of trouble we can get into without going to jail?
Teflon bitches. Nothing fucking sticks to this kid, not even a kid. Maury Povitched this shit outta that situation.
Delivery driver perk #327: I just paid for part of the security deposit on my new place in pizza. This oughta be a fun renting experience.
If you're mature enough to fuck him you're mature enough to tell him you don't want a relationship come on
The tequila covers up the fact that the choco liquor tastes like sadness.
Girls at BYU need to learn how to handle a penis. I swear my date last night was trying to pull it off my body to use later.
For not really liking Christmas, I have an astounding amount of holiday-themed lingerie
The dog just shocked himself by peeing on Christmas lights, should I have saw that coming?
Like actually I will be single and sad and lonely for ever. Cheese will be my life partner. Robot sex is my future.
I fell asleep while eating jimmy johns last night and then woke up at 5am and continued to eat it
Made it to my hair appointment on time, and got some dick. Today is already a great day
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