my house keeper must think I'm a prostitute.
there hasn't been a girl guy ratio this good since a guy jumped on one of the Titanic life rafts
I am officially superior to you. I said "Go Go Gadget Dick" before I fucked her. I dare you to beat that.
I just put lube in Matt's bellybutton. He looks unhappy.
dipping my christmas cookies in kaluha. santa would be proud.
today i did the best job ever shaving. like my vagina is PERFECT. plus i straightened my hair for a good hour. if i don't get ass tonight, i'm killing a baby.
she found me naked passed out on the toilet and i just kept repeating "i'm like elvis, but not dead."
Just ordered a clown who does balloon animals. No backing out now.
I hooked up with a British man... Wiz Khalifa has your bra... Couldn't have been a more successful night!
I just remember banging him and then at some point I went and took a shower and went and laid in the closet
ORGASMS AND PIZZA
PIZZA AND ORGASMS
There are far too many naked dudes in your apartment, and they aren't even watching porn. I mean seriously, they've got the Lion King on.
I can't wait to shower all this regret off of me
Are you seriously getting this frustrated over a hand-job right now?
You are, as of last night, the self declared king of pooping. Long may you reign.
Randomize
