you don't remember? you called me at 330 crying because you were in the middle of having sex with corey and forgot his name. all you kept saying was i'm a drunk bitch.
Just saw the new iPhone. I would totally let Steve Jobs and Jon Ive eiffel tower me right now.
there is way too much butter on my body for this to be okay
He's Hawaiian. Thank god it wasnt a real American
I'm leaving my hospital band on when we go drinking tonight. I'm aiming for pity sex.
i just saw the eighteen different ways i could die and only after that did i realize i'd made a poor decision
I DON'T CARE LET'S GET DRUNK AND GO. I STRAIGHTENED MY HAIR DO THIS FOR ME.
Me. You. Shitty green clothes from Savers that we will dub alligator costumes. Middle of the quad tomorrow at noon. Bring your alligator voice and the pearls before swine comic.
she's sniffed three people's necks on the bus to see who the good smell was coming from...
she's gonna get diseases
i was drinking at the bar last night with a guy with no bottom teeth, wearing zubas and a polka dotted hat. if that isn't the definition of wisconsin, i dont know what is
Please root for the ravens. I now have oral sex riding on this and it's been sooooo long
Remember that time you puked in a beer pong cup while someone else was playing?
that happened
Just fantasized about my boss's fingers in a meeting. I desperately need to get some.
Is it sad or funny that I just bought two pregnancy test at the dollar store to give away to people on New Year's Eve while driving for Uber.
I'm mainly pissed because I shaved fucking EVERYTHING for this. WITH SHAVING CREAM. Men do not appreciate how rarely that happens.
Randomize
