and she's shaped like a lego person so that's not happening
Nothing kills the mood more than a jesus song.
masturbating is 5million times harder to finish knowing grandma is in the guestroom downstairs. just so you know.
In case you were wondering, it hurts when the bouncer throws your phone at you after kicking you out of the strip club for taking pictures.
My roommate's all sad and is crying and the chick I want to bang is in the room and Nic Cage is on fire. What the fuck.
We woke up under the ping pong table holding hands.
Let's go get our ovaries removed together. It'll be like bonding by getting mani/pedis, but with more vicodin and less unwanted pregnancies.
Walked girl from last night to car as gf was driving up. Got slow clap from neighbors.
I made my own utility belt like Batman. It has a cup holder for my beer, cell phone holder, a little pocket for condoms, and a sewing kit just in case.
So i am officially handcuffed to the pole on the party bus while taking jello shots.....this shall be an interesting night
If you get home and there is an older woman there, its my mom. She wants to come and see the place after work. Just an FYI. Not the older sluts I bang.
He also has scotch. LOTS AND LOTS of scotch. I think you'd like him!
That is always a wonderful personality trait!
I just had a very enlightening conversation with my hat. we need more of whatever the fuck that was.
YOU WILL DIE AND I WILL CARVE 'I TOLD YOU SO' ON YOUR HEADSTONE
Next time I take edibles I'm getting chipotle to cater the event
Randomize
