I have never pre-planed for a better sober morning than lacing my muffin batch with tylenol.
i just found a cheeto on my floor and ate it. i might still be drunk.
So I wake up this morning with a bottle of dish detergent and a dildo. Good call on bringing those girls from community college.
In class ... We were just assigned groups for the quarter... Remember that night we took shots from that guys pants? I now know his name
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
What type of outfit says "I know you slept with my boyfriend before and are also way skinnier than me, but I look better...somehow"
I made him recite stats from the playoffs game last night before I would go down on him.
i'm already feeling the tequila hangover i'm going to have on friday
I kinda wanna eat your hands right now.
Put down the everclear and go to bed.
You are right. The scrape marks on her ass are from her breaking the doggy door by crawling through it.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Haha I haven't even had my interview yet and I'm already trying to fuck my way to the top. 'Merica.
let’s be honest I’d fucking Irish step dance on your grave, asshole
where did we go last night? there's dollar bills all over my room & they're all wet.
I wish I could accurately explain the embarrassment of standing in your bathroom with women's nair on your ass waiting to get in the shower.
I had nothing but condoms at the checkout, then grabbed a pack of Orbitz gum and said "gotta protect from bad breath" felt like a boss
hotelroom bed is big enough to masturbate in, but small enough to not want to sleep in it after you've masturbated in it
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