I told her I was pledging and she immediately proposed to give me head in the bathroom. i love how easy rushees are
just woke up to a 10 min voicemail of you singing "99 red ballons".... you need to work on your german..
If im paying 4grand for laser eye surgery, it better help with beer goggles cuz last night was pretty rough.
this is a mass text to all the people i smoke weed with. I have Mono, so if we've shared a bong/pipe. sorry man.
Tell me you didn't have sex with my dad.
Getting stoned at work has never been a good idea, but im always more than willing to give it another chance
Please note: when a bouncer tells you to leave, pointing out that their career path makes them a much better judge what to do will not make you friends
Pitting the remainder of the bottle against my hangover. I'm expecting an all out cage match for my soul and wellbeing.
It's like rock paper scissors. Cold showers and smoking beat hangovers.
I heard drunk is the new sober. I heard me say that. To a cop. Can you come get me??
Seriously, it's 5am. STOP CREEPIN and START SLEEPIN!
Well I shit myself on the way home from work today so there's that...
She's high and screaming MEREDITH IS A WHORE
When the people downstairs start talking about drugs, I second guess buying my drugs from them. Then I remember they are cheap and convenient.
I am putting clothes on to go find a brownie
In my experiences, brownies are better naked.
Randomize
