Dude, we're at Einstein's Bagels and the dude next to us is spreading cannabutter on his bagel.
He keeps asking me for girl advice, i told him im an expert at getting drunk, not girls
Please don't tell me I was shouting "I'm bleeding from my vagina" in front of my ex-boyfriend and his new girlfriend.
He stripped down to boxers and then started flinging jello shots with a spoon into people's mouths like a catapult.
She gained 35 lbs and has an ankle bracelet, time for new booty call.
"The juvenile turned and faced the officer, unzipped his pants, placed a fresh cigarette in between his legs and preceded to light it with a match"
I don't think of it as I'm taking a pole dancing class...its more like I'm making myself recession proof
I might've decided it was a good idea to try to steal all of the pool balls at the pub... I apologize in advance that we now need to become regulars somewhere (anywhere) else.
STOP TELLING PEOPLE I PEED ON YOU
I woke up in Brittany's thong, Tony's shirt, and an oven mitt
Me too, I feel like I pinched your nipples excessively. At the time it seemed like a good idea, but in retrospect I'm not so sure.
You are free to stop by. I promise to keep my penis in my leather pants
I really don't think my body can handle another night of drinking
Lol you talk like you have a choice
I am worried that I am gonna die before the weekend is over
I had to replace her wine with red vitamin water. So if she’s alive, you can thank me
Dude, the worst part is I can't even pretend it didn't happen because she posted a video of it on Facebook.
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