the bitch is dead man
YOUR DOG DIED?
no i meant my mom has passed out .. so i'll be over soon.
I hope you're ready because I look like an elf on crack had a baby in the medieval era and that baby grew up to be a whore
I made a vision board specifically for the purpose of boning john mayer.
You are the sheppard guiding my vagina away from horrible decisions.
You had me at "you have a nicer rack then her"
Are you really this nice or are you just trying to get in my pants?
Both?
I just had to ask my dad for money to pay for my birth control. I've hit financial rock bottom.
he payed over $300 just to break into the hotel pool and skinny dip alone for 5 minutes and then peace in a cab. and all he had to say for himself was "gotta go swimming, gotta live life"
where do u find these people!?
Dude she's on meds. He has a ginormous penis. Ur A dumbass. That concludes our feelings chat. Dim Sumday?
I woke up to find my purse full of puke, and all I could think was not again.
Welp, dad and I drunkenly sang Christmas carols until the police told us to stop. I vote Xmas eve a success
I have to take tonight off from shenanigans. My liver is planning a coup
If you're not my stylist, having sex with me, or agreeing to have sex with me don't fucking touch my hair.
I felt like I needed to shower with a Mr. Clean Magic Eraser.
Definitely went to court without a bra and panties because Mr. LastNight’s dog stole them. I guarantee you I was the only lawyer going commando in court
Randomize
