I feel like I've been hit by a train. I woke up this morning covered in wine, free condoms, and a sign language dictionary.
I feel like my whole life has been one big pre-game for Mexico.
I'm someone's dream girl. I'm hungover in this guy's bed wearing ONLY a Brian Westbrook jersey. Not the same I was on a date with last night.
Too lazy to get out of my bed thats 2 feet away from you. Are you sure youre alright?
I wasnt going to have sex with him until i ran into his gf at chipotle. It was like the gods were saying "Go ahead. Shes already had her burrito for the day"
He gave me one look and told me I'm not allowed to board the plane if I'm still as drunk by departure time.
Come make me food. I feel like if I go in the kitchen I will just get Gin.. and pass out in there.
A cute girl just told me she forgot to take her birth control and winked... I've never been so conflicted about fleeing in terror
While he was gone for spring break I took his head board... I don't wanna wake up from his shenanigans for the rest of my college career.
Sorry about my life...
I just had sex on my divorce papers. I've never felt so poetic.
I found a Trump-humping republican virgin born on the goddamn Fourth of July. I NEED to hate-fuck him.
Waking up drunk is great, waking up drunk and hanging with your mom is even better.
Apparently I thanked the paramedics over and over again for saving the "happy new year" beads that I was wearing
help. his tongue is stuck. Its not what you think. Hurry.
Randomize
