Just tried my new showerhead. Sex with Brian will never be the same.
I hope in my next life I'm a sterile trophy wife. With a husband who showers me in wealth and gifts but can't get a hard on. Do you think my karma is good enough for that?
And then he told me he was too tired for me to suck his dick. Physically and mentally too tired for me to suck his dick. What the fuck?
I think he is probably a psycho that will eventually murder me but i mean the sex last time was AWESOME.
Wait. You NEVER used a Dizzy Doodler pen as a vibrator?!?
so we were doing it and I was like umm hi im losing my virginity can you take off your beanie
The amount of effort it's taking me to not shit my pants this morning is probably a sign to slow down the drinking
Hmmm... I thought we agreed as a group we make our last stand in Philly...
I don't wanna go out like that. Covered in melted cheese smelling like a sewer rat...
Anyway, all that to say that tiny penises are a hassle.
Allow me to explain. Triple D is a surprise. It's like if you're expecting to fight one person, then you get ambushed by more. Except it's a good ambush, because it's boobs, not death.
I also farted in bed this morning and said, "I don't even care. My body deserves that."
If my drunken penis pic is ever to be forgiven id like to start over with all that
It might be the most honest thing I've ever said. ...or I've had 3 vodka tonics.
can we drink soon
I'm not sure who this is but I'm free tomorrow night
I really wanted you to make me eggs this afternoon. I even wrote it on my hand to remind myself.
Randomize
