well my last 2 orgasms were over shoe sales at macy's. what does that tell you?
The reason halloween exists is because it's not cheating if you're wearing a costume.
I feel bad for the person that has to clean the dishes that I peed on last night.
All he wants to do is masturbate while I sit there with my big toe up his ass that is not even the worst part of it.
I awoke this morning alone and naked in my bed I forecast my date later not going so well because I have three giant hickies on my neck there is a note next to my bed that looks a 3rd grader wrote it on my college acceptance letter
That hot guy i showed you guessed my exact bra size. I want to have his tan babies.
the only two hours i was sober on this trip and i managed to break my toe. no one will believe this.
WHY THE FUCK IS MY BATH TUB FILLED WITH MUD?!
1. You were drunk 2. You wanted a mud bath\n3. We tried to talk you out of it, but you kept throwing dirt at us
That's probably why white girls drink so much espresso. Piledriving coke and vodka crans takes a fucking toll man
There's a 50-50 shot that I will wake up with an ass tattoo tomorrow.
He is a sex God. It lasted more than an hour, and I don't remember how many times I came. I lost count at 57.
On a scale from 1 to total dick, how inappropriate is it to pick your boyfriend up from rehab with a hangover?
I puked on someone's floor last night and then they proceeded to ask me on a date.
condom fairy costume came in handy...we were making out in my living room and he wanted it so i took a condom off the costume and we did it right there...with my tutu still on....
You peed on a flamingo?!?
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