mark looks like s**t tonight! thank da lawd we broke up!
it's mark...i'm guessing you didn't mean to send that to me...
Considering the face that your still in jail Im gunna go with no.
happy early fathers day!!!
im not a father
about that...
I just peed on my pajamas. Its gonna be a long night. Don't forget the cookies.
Im blasting "Fat Bottom Girls" as loud as humanely possible in attempts that old ladies doing water aerobics will take the hint and get the fuck out of the pool.
The guy who was The Count on Sesame Street died this week too. Therefore, you should take multiple shots, count them, & go "ahh aaahh aaaahhh" after each one. I expect video...
Oh fuck, I messaged a Jack Kerouac poem to a girl I'm trying to sleep with last night at 4am.
These are all good points. But, I think your under estimating what it's like to be held upside down for a standing 69
After a roaring rendition of Jay-Z's "99 Problems but a bitch ain't one" I ended up making her cry on her birthday.
I think it's time for a new pick up line. So far my " hey you want to go back to my place, order a pizza and fuck?" Has set me at an all time low downtown 0/4
I may have unintentionally punched your cat twice but he's an asshole anyway.
I'm wine drunk & this is not good news for anybody
Just broke into the basement of my house via my american red cross blood donor card. I officially save lives
So unofficially, he told me he deleted tinder because of me. I think that's a pretty romantic gesture in 2018.
I need to leave my mind and my stupid vagina are having fight over who's right
Randomize
