put your party hat on. and by party hat I mean no panties
just dd'd my mom home while she begged me to let her drunk dial my ex, jammed out to party in the usa, and then passed the fuck out. thanks for the genes mom.
It is 8 o'clock in the morning and there is already blood all over one of the stalls in the bathroom. What has your St. Patrick's day done for you?
She introduced herself as 'Ann the sober one.' Took me to a coat check and a lost and found. Then offered coffee and breakfast sandwiches. Turns out she's been paying her half of the electric bill running post-party operations.
I found his retainer in my ass crack. It smells like shame.
Vegas should really enforce the buddy system because if not everyone is going to end up swimming during the water show in front of the Bellagio.
Slept in my car last night. It snowed. I peed on the street. Hello 29...
I knew from the second he called his penis glorious that I was meant to sleep with him
Trying to figure out what I just puked. Demon weed is salad. No more drunk buffets.
I'm currently on an epic search all over the city for a drug store that isn't sold out of Plan B. I celebrated your birthday from afar.
YOU JUST GOT OUT OF THE HOSPITAL AND YOU'RE ALREADY DRINKING?!
We're starting to light shit on fire, bring a metal bucket. Be prepared, Jimmy's off his meds.
I told you that you couldn’t eat fifty tacos, you slapped me in the face, ate seventeen tacos, and fell asleep on my floor
Did I honestly think it was a good idea to wear my pink robe out in public at 2 in the morning ?
Good morning beautiful! Wanna steal a cat this weekend?
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