she asked me if the dress made her look fat, i told her no - the fat made her look fat.
I feel like tequila is Gods way of lighting my fuse to do something awesome
sometimes you just have to masturbate at your friend's house.
So did the night end well for you?
I stole a traffic cone and drunk texted my sister because i couldn't think of any other girl to text
i was like hansel and gretel. i puked a trail from mcdonalds to our place so i could find my way back in the morning
Is it bad that on the course evaluation it said "do you normally try harder than other students in class" and i circled "absolutely false"?
so went to the condom shack today. bought a condom that dresses up your dick in a suit...tomorrow im fucking in style
I wanna thank you for having such slutty friends growing up. Your a great little sister
You never know, some chick could have a weird unibrow fetish.
That boy needs some memories to take back home with him
Dave when you find that upper decker at your house its from me but its for Jill not you
Lest we forget our veterans. Also that two years ago I lost my virginity on this day in a hot tub. Go me for being the worst person on earth.
No later than 4:00 ok - I'm tying my viagra high into a superbowl halftime showstopper. Ya, you might wanna look away for that
Have you ever felt like autocorrect is judging you with its suggested words? Like how it won't suggest certain words until you type in pretty much the entire word, is it just thinking 'No way did this dude use "consent laws" in the same sentence as "17th?" Or is that just me.
It's a good thing he's hot, because it seemed like he was trying to do CPR on my private parts
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