And now his mom knows I was dipping my pen in company ink
: I need to find myself a plastic surgeon husband so i can get boobs.
but u need boobs to get one in the first place.
Another f*ing night of vodka youporn and xanax. I need to get a goddamn life
3 great things that go great together... But not on a Friday night. Perfect on say... a Tuesday.
How much would it be to rent out Gus Johnson so he can announce our flip cup games?
Hey just to warn you theres a really fat guy passed out in front of our front door snoring. Don't touch him, he's in god's hands now.
just letting you know that jen either: wasn't feeling well and ate grass to make herself throw up or threw up because she's stupid and ate grass
Well the "Blackout with your sack out" party turned out predictably.
An open call to all exes! i have a drunk text policy that requires i delete any and all texts after drink 3, however i have reason to believe i have done something stupid. if i have texted you that "I love you", "miss you" and/or conveyed any interest in getting back together with you in the last 24 hours i was belligerent and lying. That is all.
Make way for the handjob queen! She will grab what she wants, when she wants, and from whomever she wants.
Another memory: We offered for a stranger to live in our house under the condition that he took the garbage out because it's a 'blue' job.
We are the best.
Ps. We need to take the garbage out.
I'm willing to share. He can have sloppy seconds.
He's tiny, but ripped. Like a stacked hobbit. He's going to pull our sexy, crime-fighting rickshaw.
I planned out my poor life choices for the weekend.
Dont ask questions just say words. where can i find plan b?
So there i was right, midnight, washing my junk off in my bathroom sink.
Randomize
