I'm gonna get wrecked tn I might have to keep my phone at home cause I'm sure ill send you really weird txts
What should our trivia night team be named?
Define Statutory
its like an ocean threw up right in your lap
As I was leaving the drunk tank the cop told me he had a feeling we would be meeting again real soon.
What I dont get, is for a man with a penis his size, to choose to go back with another girl instead of one that he says is the best sex he's ever had. He cant afford to be picky.
I'm hoping that banging a 24 year old 3 times cancels out banging that freshman on Wednesday
She's laying here with her head in my lap stoned, eating Doritos, whining about her boyfriend, and listening to Cher. Fuck the friend zone.
I'm thinking about wearing a strap-on just to freak him out the next time he pulls my pants off.
I didn't realize how drunk I was until my vagina was in the snow.
Today is the day I die from a hangover. I love you, mom. Farewell.
Signs of a stoner: trying everything in your fridge topped with peanut butter to seek satisfaction.
Have 7 min to kill while I wait for liquor store to open. Feels really awkward.
I woke up at 3:30 this morning to pee. Luckily, I didn't have to travel far as I was asleep in my CLOSET on my yoga mat. Good news is I had a pillow...
I really wanted you to make me eggs this afternoon. I even wrote it on my hand to remind myself.
Dude, you screamed I AM THE WALRUS while giving a statue of Ronald McCdonald a lapdance. You were NOT sober.
Randomize
