a guy named alex was hitting on my friend tonight. he doesnt work on wind turbines tho.
His stupid grin looks like he's mid-ejaculation
No. Especially when my uncle started stripping. Too many shots. So that's where I get that from.
Oh just living the dream. And by living the dream I mean drinking franzia out of a martini glass and watching family matters. Also, drinking every time Carl Winslow has a mustache and Eddie wears MC Hammer pants
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I remembered to bring wine in a nalgene bottle, but I forgot sunscreen and water. I'm starting to question my life decisions.
almost got into it with the cashier. bitch dont look at me like that just cuz im only buying wine and icing. ill fight.
What's more awkward than your little brother in law screaming, "I SAW YOUR TITTIES" at the breakfast table?
His step dad chiming in on the jokes.
I wasn't vocally whispering "she wants to bite your dick off" about that kirsten girl was I?
I cNt phones. tingles in my fingles. jingles
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I still owe him the card with all the sperm paper cutouts falling out like glitter saying " sorry you can't hold your load. Better luck next time "
I mean jail does seem alright, all the free broth you can eat.
as much as I don't like snorting drugs, I would totally be fine with someone doing a line off my ass. that's just a whole new up
Once the overwhelming "oh god my crotch is on fire" wears off, that excite stuff is really nice
Ah, Christ. I just saw a D lister I made out with once on a Rock Of Love rerun. Why are you asleep right now? Some weird shit is happening.
Drunk me left sober me a shower beer in expectation of Hurricane Harvey. Drunk me is the best.
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