I haven't been this sober since birth.
so i was supposed to be to work at 8..but its 9:15 and im currently standing stoned in the middle of holiday...with a bag with three doughnuts, two redbulls, and a slim jim..
god i miss watching you do this...
heey were did you guys go? last time i remember seeing you i was throwing up in the fountain
The voicemail says i shouldn't bother ever showing my face there again, i don't understand
We visited your boss last night. guess you wont be paying the rent this month, eh?
i just overheard someone saying that they invented the 'tequila mockingbird' last night. sorry, but i found better friends
You came back with four clearly unattractive women and wanted to throw a dance party in my room.
at the hospital. he locked himself in the kitchen, said he was making beer batter shrimp. don't know if it's the mercury poisoning, alcohol poisoning or second degree burns they're holding him for, but i've got a pretty guess.
In the middle of getting a blow job, she looked up at me and said "this isn't the first time I've done this today"
I performed "get broken glass out of my shoulder" surgery last night... Drunk, with a what-a-burger straw.
It wasn't really sex. It was just rolling around, trying to make sure his dick didn't end up in my ass.
Rule number one to being a good adult: don't use your vagina as an icebreaker. Just some wisdom I thought I'd pass down from experience.
She knew the head wasn't all that so she gave me her taco. I'm will in to give her a second chance.
Dicks are not precious.
You drank the pool water to get rid of your hiccups
Would you still love me if I got a Whatever Forever tattoo? It's like the Emo kids' Live Laugh Love
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