There is an old man sitting across from me. Phone rang and his ringtone is children giggling, I'm not safe here.
he wrote me a grocery list while i was passed out. every other item was gin. it went on for 4 pages.
he tried to breastfeed my turtle
Ha ha. You should see the things I'm doing to my body at Bob Evans.
I don't know if I want to cry scream puke or go somewhere and drink more. This is such a weird emotion.
Favor? Can you not wear as much glitter on your face this time? Walking in the house looking like a disco ball was enough embarrassment for the week 😒
Dude, it's not gay. It's winter.
Look at all the pictures I have of us sucking on jello syringes.
Well she just asked a sorority girl if she should fuck her floor mate so it's basically like the blind leading the blind
Last night she walked off and disappeared from everyone got home at 330 and said she went to the casino with her cab driver.
the night was just a blur of sex and pie
We both fell asleep mid-handjob and he continued to call it "handjob halftime".
should we try and roll a cross joint since its good friday? you know, for jesus
First night of sleeping in the same bed, and she farted on me. I immediately excused myself and went home. Don't know if we're still together. Will update you.
Soooo I think my neighbor just saw me masturbating on my porch
Randomize
