I just woke up to crumpled tissues everywhere. Looks like it was another night filled with tears and semen.
I successfully cooked a taquito with a lighter! My stomach hurts now tho.. im either guna blame it on the undercooked taquito or im feeling guily about porkin my brothers gf a lil bit ago
woke up to 35 texts all saying im cheating on her
me and last nights hook up spent two hr. figuring out a reply we went with i love you..
I opened my browser to a doctor page titled "serious pain under left side of ribcage". Last night must have been healthy.
She was knocking on the tree demanding to be let in
Just orgasmed in canada. I should get a sticker or something that says I orgasmed in a different country.
Im sitting in church with a backpack full of beer bottles. This is friendship.
Dan marino should def buy this ambulance. But not this one. I'm gonna fuck this ambulance up
Discovered that a nalgene holds an entire bottle of wine. Going mobile. Come find me.
You may be fancy. But you'll never be having cheesy garlic bread and scotch at 3am fancy.
We were making fun of some people having sex on the beach, an hour later we were having sex on a golf course
My friends say stay away from him but it’s still 2017 so I’m allowed to make shit decisions until midnight hahah
It got to the point where I was so drunk, playing rock paper scissors as a drinking game seemed like a good idea.
You threw up everything but your ovaries.
i just read a article called "Booze, Drugs, and Bipolar Disorder"... i think someone is writing the memoirs of my life
Randomize
