I woke up and she had breakfast in bed for me
RUN RUN RUN RUN
does it bother you that i swallowed like millions of your unborn children
actually, i try not to think about it
and i pooped them out
Laughlin, where retired strippers come to die.
So after we got done with our cardiac arrest patient, I thought how awesome would it be to hook up the defibrillator pads to cook a burrito.
dude... how have they not drug tested you yet?
Nobody has seen her in 3 days. Should we call the cops or hope this is just another drunk Carmen San Diego game she's playing?
thank god we only have to drink eggnog and rum once a year. It taste like shit.
Apparently I'm the last girl he had sex with. That was over a month ago. If he can go that long without sex then he's clearly not the guy for me
You sat on a wall pretending to be a gargoyle before shouting "batman!" and jumping at me
I'm the drunk Des Moines deserves, but not the one it needs
It's like bringing a chick home from the bar the night before and waking up to thinking you are about to go another round... Just to wake up and find she's already left...
If I don't go to Australia I'm using that towards a new car. If I do I'll use it to buy a koala.
This 35 year old just told me that he was headed to the dance floor and it was about to get real dangerous......was that an invite?
You are lucky that I'm drunk. Otherwise I would bone you into another universe
I told my coworker that I'm going to a dinner party and was asked to bring wine and pregnancy tests and he was like.. I miss being 20
Is there a hallmark card for "could you please slide the FUCK out of my DMs"....?
Who wakes up at 9 and says "let me send a pic of my dick to my ex gf"
Randomize
