i'm watching a show about a girl who died from masterbating with a carrot. A FUCKING CARROT, EMILY! YOU NEED TO BE CAREFUL!
I hid 4 bags of cocaine in your house. Have fun finding them
they got in a fight during sex...she came out yelling and covered in chocolate
What?? I'm covered in blood at the hospital, I atleast deserve a pic of someones boobs
now that we've slept with the entire soccer team i think its time to expand the horizon.
I already wrote the apology to my liver. He knows whats up
if I'm at school tomorrow just indulge my moment of pity and let me cry on your shoulder
Plus I'm on the toilet and I can only describe it as if someone had kicked the cap off of a fire hydrant.
My horseshoe mustache feels at home at this bar.
Do I get bonus points if I get lockjaw after a cosmic blowjob?
There's a set of buzz lightyear wings in lost and found at work. I just need access to your roof.
I'm in my math teacher's garage hiding right now because I fucked his son last night. It's fine
I'm going to tell you something and I want no judgement because it's america day and I'm wearing an American flag bathing suit but...I woke up in a yard.
True life: I inadvertently fucked a whole friend group. More details to come tonight.
fucked one of the teachers, librarian job's going great
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