I was curling my hair today and I looked at my curling iron and thought...
You at least unplugged it right?
mom asked me why i'm never sober at family events, i told her i learned it from her.
Hi, my name's audrey!
Max?
Sorry, this girl is phone-stealing drunk.
She was so drunk yelling at me in my driveway to fuck her. It was the ghetto version of Romeo and Juliet.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Get in the lobby, you have to sign my boxers
Apparently while trying to get up from vomiting in the toilet I grabbed the seat cover for leverage and smashed my own head between it and the bowl. I don't remember this.
Strike three, the fat brides maid they call shit puker also has herpes.
I'm at home, drinking with my cat. While this is an enjoyable lifestyle, other plans are preferable.
The only thing stopping me from having sex with you in my parents jacuzzi bathtub is the knowledge that they've already had that idea themselves
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Got a text that the fed tax return dropped into my account just before getting on the first leg of my flights the Vegas. Fate? Viva Las Vegas!
I swear if he puts my hand anywhere near his dick tonight I'm "accidentally" leaving all my rings on
you walked in, put on rap music and started chugging vodka
My liver is fucking rocky. Get knocked down 7 times and gets up 8. World champ
Text me later if you aren't dead and wanna have a drink later
The couple in the apartment next to mine are both opera singers. I’m never sure if I’m hearing them banging or doing vocal warm-ups.
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