Kristen just told everyone at the bar that I've got a huge dick, now Brittany is giving me the eye. What is the opposite of FML?
I told my boyfriend my favorite food was strawberry poptarts, now my email inbox is getting spammed with nude pics of him with his dick in a poptart box..
I just spread your mom's ashes with my new girlfriend. I wouldve waited for you to fly home but she was uncomfortable in the house with her remains there. I'll mail you the urn since u handpainted it.
YOU HAVE A GIRLFRIEND ALREADY!?! WTF WE JUST HAD HER FUNERAL 3 WEEKS AGO!!!!!!!!!!!!
We've shared an experience, my friend. I, too, have talked on the phone with a parent while giving a handjob
i want you to know that after i type the word "your" , vagina is next on my auto correct text
All I know is I woke up next to her beside the toilet
Cocaine Wednesdays have to stop turning into no work Thursday
we've got reservations. ask for the eat a bag of dicks table
i would really love it if at least once per weekend i did not wake up to you half naked passed out on the floor
She called to say her plane was running late and i had 30minutes to get to the airport for bathroom sex
You were supposed to be my wingman and all you kept to her friend was "kill it with fire"..
I don't know how Dave is alive, I feel like he's been drinking since I met him.
You know you suck at relationships when you are sitting in the airport on Christmas day, alone, swiping on Tinder.
I'll do anything with you, except downhill sports and butt stuff.
hey im sorry i made fun of the color of your sheets, but like it was all i could focus on during sex because they were just THAT UGLY
Randomize
