Racial profiling caused me to miss two cabs but the third cabs the charm - he's playing Jesus Music
dude I just sharted for the first time ever, kind of gross
well what did you think, shitting your pants would be fun
i told him to take shots to cure a hangover and he told me i was "walking the steppingstones to alcoholism"
today he pulled me aside to show me a lawn mower that he drew above his pubes. I saw his pubes in all their glory. Right there. In spanish class. Hola.
homeboy just tried to sext with me at 8:30 in the morning while I was on a job interview...
so you did it...
obv...but still...it was inconsiderate.
dude. you ripped the mardi gras beads off the girls neck and yelled she didnt deserve them..
Oh and probably wearing a life jacket instead of clothes didn't help things either
Look, I said I'm sorry. In the shower, "are you happy to see me" sounded just like "could you please pee on me". Honest mistake.
They let me close the tennis center alone. It's a 6-minute drive from 2 of my booty calls. Scratch tennis court bj off the bucket list.
the most romantic thing he could do for me right now would be to throw himself into traffic
And dildos are 35% off. So. Ya know. Savings.
Ew. After that you just pretty much proved that your vagina is the reason why my vagina needs two toilet seat covers when peeing in public restrooms
After we hooked up, his roommate shouted "I LIKE TO HAVE SEX TOO" from across the apartment
Mike Pence got the fuck boy eyes though
He lives in a tent in my ex'd backyard. Why the fuck would you want any of that dirty dick?
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