Make note: the first date is too soon to make the "condoms are only for making balloon animals" joke.
Note to Self: No matter how horny, turned on or in the moment you are, never go down on your gf after she had soccer practice.
Well now I have my semen on her headphones
not good my parents heard a big thud and found me passed out in the bathrrom abt an hr ago. hit my head arm and side. dont remember. real talk.
Won't anyone wonder why I'm mute, bald, and wearing an eye patch?
Well after last night I am convinced he is real life Tyler Durden. He only exists to me and somehow keeps me out of jail this entire time
She was blowing me when her roommate came in and goes "you want me to tap in?"
You realize once your inheritance is finalized this shit will stop happening right?
She found the planted magnum condom..once she figured it out it was too late.
Listen I took a family sized bottle of merlot to the face last night and there's an svu marathon on. Give me some time please.
I did all i could do but i woke up smelling like cigars and theres salsa all over my face
I just got a text from a guy. The python is ours if we want.
I wanna trust fall face first on a penis.
Holding your hair back while you puked wasn't a choice. I was handcuffed to you.
I woke up with clothes on this morning and I'm pretty sure you had something to do with that. Thank you.
I mean she's doing calculus in her head to prove how NOT drunk she is.
Randomize
