I saw two morbidly obese women get winded after fighting over the last motorized wheelchair at Walmart
These are the moments in life you observe a force greater than us at work
I just hotboxed my laundry basket.
You totally drew a penis wizard on my closet that says "I travel for cock rock"
someone needs to make a hangover cure that isn't cocaine.
It feels like I've shaved away my winter coat and my vagina is going to freeze if I go outside.
No sexy Asian girl. No comfy bed. I'm just gonna lie here in the hall next to the garbage can until someone comes home.
She suggested that I come visit her in Europe and hook up with the heteroflexible Korean who sits next to her in class. Polylove is the best love.
We're like Siamese twins, but joined at the genitals.
Am I really in your phone as Asshole Jesus??
you know, i'm always afraid you're going to think i only want you for sex because i only text you when i'm horny
speaking of, guess what i'm thinking about
I am literally drinking 7 day old water and looking for snacks in my room so I won't have to go in the hall and see roommate, because we accidentally banged last night. Please bring over some chicken and plan b.
According to the boxer briefs I found on the couch when I got home, I take it your date went well??
I feel like a sex bomb and I need to go explode on somebody
I'M GOING TO DIE ALONE WITHOUT ANYONE PRETENDING TO BE A MARRIED COUPLE WHILE DRUNK AT A MALL WITH ME
I have dined. Now I want to get fucked.
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