do you want me to make hamburgers?
i'm vegan
i'll put lettuce on them
I'm surrounded by 3 year olds in tutus. They are far too innocent to be within at least 500 ft of me.
We were confused who drove until we went outside and her cupholders were torn out of the dash and laying on the ground
I got him a footlong to apologize for trying to push him off a balcony...
Pretty sure God shed a tear when I put 15 singles in the collection plate.
another part of my inner child died when i emptied my crayon bank for dollar beer night.
Oh my gosh they are following me around the bar
Blow your rape whistle
Her idea of kinky involved a tazer
wtf?
I'm going back tonight
Just bought weed from the ice cream man. The kid in front of me got a tootie fruitie.
He's passed out. He nodded his head when I asked if he's alive though...so there's that
Banged my ex-wife last night...so I belong to that club now.
Last night was incredible. I can tell by the nacho cheese on my jacket
You randomly sent me a black Santa Claus emoji at 2am. I think alcohol was involved.
I AHVE A WINE BUCKETTTTTTT
If I die here, tell my vagina and my cats that I'm sorry.
Randomize
