Im sitting next to shitfaced santa at the cuse game. My plan to be on television is now flawless
this is like black Friday for my dealer. I'm literally standing in line.
its preseason football. its like non alcoholic beer. who gives a fuck
Don't lose. A little bit of my soul dies every time a beer pong game is lost.
I feel like everytime I call him he's either fucking or getting into trouble. It's really disturbing that he presses the answer button and then proceeds to fuck her harder.
We got drunk and crashed a fifty year old woman's birthday party for the food. Whoops.
He broke into my house because he missed me. Then ends the relationship because I'm the needy one. Ironic much?
Nothing says "single girl" quite like Pinot Grigio and canned ravioli at 11:30 pm....
Did you send me a cake saying 'Happy 1st One-Night Stand Ever'?
No matter how long you've been away, there's nothing quite like pooping at your parents' house
Valentine's Day is now to be known as Tacos and Orgasms Day.
so in 24 hours i have gotten caught having sex in my car by a cop, almost burnt off my vag, almost got hit by a semi, and got fired. awesome.
I don't care how many things you caught on fire, it's still not as bad as doing coke and then filming yourself having sex.
Dick is dick
Look decision making is not my specialty
Which is why I just spent $33 on a breakfast sandwich coffee and hash browns
I woke up and there was a huge blow up palm tree in my bed...
Randomize
