I was high as a kite when I got pulled over by a cop and he asked me for my ID and if I had been smoking weed, I said no and gave him my debit card.
it took everything i had not to yell out "your name means death in german!"
i love when people i haven't talked to since we fucked write on my wall.
The Masters... another excuse to excessivly start drinking by 1
I woke up to three texts telling me to "go fuck myself," a panicked voicemail from my mom, and a girl thanking me... I'm not sure which I should take care of first
All she said was "the usual?" and unzipped my pants.
After throwing up in a tequila bottle on my nightstand (still not sure how she did that) she asked if she could slip into something more comfortable.
The good news is the bleeding stopped. I think I'm going to sober up before I tell you the bad news though.
Code red. She won't talk to me. Maybe it has something to do with her raccoon eyes. Perry said there was a brief moment of towel fighting until you passed out. Did you draw the turtle on my ass?
She's dipping the chocolate graham crackers in marshmallow vodka for a 'campfire taste'
Some crack addled fool from the sketch ass motel behind the restaurant just gave me a flyer for an AA group when I was on my smoke break. I don't do mornings
please tell me you're the one making all the weird noise in the yard..
He just turned down phone sex for hockey and I'm so relieved I'm fucking a straight guy that I'm barely even mad
Still can’t get over the fact that we ate beef jerky off a strip club floor
Now I am free. And I want to go meet men. My phone deleted all my contacts, and I consider this to be a new beginning. With a new man in my phone book.
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